People of a Feather…

Today looking for a mindless activity I scoured through Facebook, Instagram, even read the news which I hate doing only to run out of ways to waste time on my phone and avoid life.  That brought me here and while I erased several entries I kept one.  I kept it because I liked the way it read.  I liked what I had to say.  I then thought about why.  What was different between that post and all the others that have graced this page temporarily?  It’s really very simple.  It was true.

The other things I had written were true in their own way but a small part of me was trying to reach out in some way like a peacock spreading feathers.  When we write we all want to be read.  We speak we want to be heard.  If we didn’t we wouldn’t be here and we would be silent.

Honest moment

I want to be heard but just not by anyone I actual know.  I don’t feel comfortable with my truth all fanned out on my ass like feathers of a peacock.  My truth might be colorful but not in the pretty way that is expected.  My feathers are mismatched and loudly colored in all the wrong places.  I would be willing to bet I have feathers where I shouldn’t and even some missing where I am supposed to need them.  I’m sure I am just normal but when I look around me I can’t really discern if I am the odd one in the bunch or just honest. Seems like everyone else at least somewhat has their shit together.

Enough with the feathers

I have reached that point in life where it is highly likely I have lived half of mine.  I am not satisfied with where I am or what I have done.  I would even say I am unsatisfied. That’s not even the bad part.  The bad part is that I am unsatisfied with me. Deeply even.

This is not new or even unique in any way.  I get that.  What is unique about it is that I’m sharing it with you.  I don’t do that.  I’m not trying to say that should be special to you because it’s not and shouldn’t be.  It is however kind of a big deal to me.

I have been looking for inspiration on Pinterest and in books because I always do and that is an amazing way to avoid laundry and life in general. Something that strikes a chord for me is the idea that you can get anywhere you want by just taking steps.  They can even be small ones so I hear. Tomorrow is a Monday let’s pick a direction and go.

 

How to Heal a Broken Life

That title…it’s really a statement but should be a question.  I don’t have the answer to it but not for lack of searching.

Today I got up knowing I had a short list of things I HAD to do and a long list of things I SHOULD do before going to work but by 0900 my day was already in the shitter.  It wasn’t that what happened was so bad.  Some of it kind of is but not anything in my control and even some of the little details work themselves out but I came to a conclusion by 1000.  That being, I have no skills left to cope with this mess I have made.  By mess I am really referring to life…my life.

My theory is that life is hard for everyone.  Some people have it way harder than others this is true but as people do we adapt to what we have to in order to survive.  My problems may not be as bad as others, and  someone having it worse may breeze through what I find difficult but I’m pretty sure that’s true of everyone.  What I also have decided to add to this theory is that it truly is all I mean ALL in the eye of the beholder.  I for example could say, and have before, well this is an awful day but at least I have all my arms and legs.  Meanwhile, someone missing their limbs might be loving their life and glad to have it.  What’s the difference between me and that guy?  Probably how I’m looking at it and what I’m doing about it.

If you, Dear Reader, have stuck with this post this far down you might be thinking what does this post have to do with anything this blog is about?  Nothing really other than it’s just me and how I’m feeling today.  I am not comfortable enough with anyone around me to speak about it out loud and yet I feel the need to vomit my thoughts and feeling out to the universe where it will do something or nothing and I likely will never know the difference.  I think the idea of releasing this somewhat organized alphabet vomit is that it will somehow release it from me.  Maybe as I travel through the day I will feel a tiny bit peaceful than I would otherwise.  Really what will probably happen is I will think it over at some later date and erase this and wish I had something better to say.

Back to that guy with no limbs.  I have no idea how a person makes peace with that or any other life problem but I have decided to try and see what happens.

Dear Me,

I have made a lot of mistakes.  Things have not turned out how I would have liked on most levels if not all areas of my life.  I was dealt a rough hand at the start of the game which did not help my situation.  All the same I’m still here and I still am in the game and that alone means there is hope.  I forgive those mistakes even if no one else does.  I love you in the way you always wanted even of no one else does.  I believe in you and honor you, even if no one else does.

Me

Now the trick is sticking to that.  It’s a tall order for me.  Dear Reader if you have read this entry thank you for giving me your ear for a moment and have a blessed day 🙂